Go All The Way Or Don't Bother Trying
by VisualIDentificationZeta
Summary: During FWAFS when Harm told Mac he loved her, she never said it back. Why didn't she say it? This time, Harm wants to know.


TITLE: Go All The Way Or Don't Bother Trying

AUTHOR: VIDZ

PAIRING: Harm/Mac UST-RST-UST (it's complicated, just read it), Harm/Jen friendship

TIMELINE: during FWAFS

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I've always been bothered by the fact that in FWAFS Harm not only again took the whole blame for the crap that happened between Mac and him (even though most of it was her fault), but Mac never even returned her feelings when he told her he loved her. Significant much?

I always said Meatloaf had some good songs and good wisdom in it and yet again they were right, because "Two out of three ain't bad" was as if written for these two.

To my loyal readers who are waiting for the next parts of "One normal evening" and "Making a commitment" I'd like to apologize for letting you wait, but my life has been crazy lately and this is the most I could squeeze out right now. Will try to bring you an update of those fics as soon as I can.

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"I love you." Harm groaned into Mac's mouth, things heating up rapidly. His hands were working on her blouse to finally get to those fabulous breasts that had held his interest even through all the boob jobs. Mac didn't answer him, nor return the words, her silence niggling at Harm, causing him to stop what he was doing. He needed to know whether she was fully committed to this or just playing another one of her games. Stilling her hands that were tugging at his belt he held them as he looked into her eyes with trepidation in his own "Mac?"

Mac averted her eyes, making Harm's worry grow "I just said what you wanted me to say for years and you're quiet. Do _you_ love _me_, Mac?"

Still nothing from the woman he'd been so passionately making out with just seconds ago. Harm's greatest fears were coming true, until now he could at least pretend she cared for him, even though there had been no evidence for it while there'd been copious evidence for the opposite, but this...

Knowing the second she was about to bolt, having decided to make one of her trademark escapes before things could be settled once and for all, Harm quickly put his hands on her shoulders, pinning her to her seat.

"Answer me, Mac: do you love me?"

Deep down he wasn't that surprised it had come to this. Mac had always been unwilling to come forth about her feelings or lack of them, even more than he, even though she had pushed and shoved and tried everything to get him to admit his own feelings for years on end, while never having been willing to talk about hers, much less risk herself during her pursuit. The only one expected to take the entire risk and expose himself had always been Harm in Mac's opinion, never herself. That they'd come to this wasn't a real shocker.

"I want you." her throaty voice broke him out of his musings. Well, nothing new there... he'd always known she wanted to have sex with him, she'd said enough in Sydney. The problem had always been that she'd never wanted a _relationship_ with him, only an affair at best, and that wasn't something Harm had been willing to concede to. His belief she only wanted sex and not a relationship had been proven by her jumping into Brumby's bed the very next evening. Had she wanted a relationship with Harm she wouldn't have been so willing and ready to have sex with another man so soon after the first man had asked her for more time.

It's that simple.

"I need you." the nearly black irises, the flush to her skin, slight perspiration and quick flaring of her nostrils confirmed her statement, Mac was highly turned on and right then she needed him. She needed him for other things too, like protecting her from the CO's flak, fixing her problems when she let him,...

But no matter the promising direction this was taking Harm's heart was beginning to ache with a soul-shattering premonition.

Mac's eyes flitted away from his again and suddenly he felt physically sick, knowing what was to follow. He wasn't wrong.

"But I don't love you. And I never will." and then she repeated her words from Paraguay "We both want to be on top, physically and emotionally, and that's impossible." Completely ignoring the fact, just as she'd ignored it the first time she'd said these words, that Harm had never wanted a power struggle relationship, but only an adult relationship, based on respect and equality of both partners. Harm had never been one to try to take control in a relationship, but Mac had always been too busy with trying to take control herself to notice his hesitance.

Yet again Harm was experiencing what it's like to see your whole world fall apart around you and by a sick twist of fate it was yet again caused by the same woman. Why the hell did he keep exposing himself to her? Hadn't he learnt absolutely NOTHING in the past two years? Or in the years before Paraguay?

Seeing the deathly pallor and unnatural stillness in her long-ago-partner Mac tried to smooth things and continued gently "Don't look like that, Harm, two out of three is still not bad."

She was cut off when Harm rose shakily and, moving like a zombie, stumbled towards the door. Stopping with his hand on the doorknob he croaked "Lock up on your way out."

"What?" Mac's mind was feverishly trying to figure out how it could've gone so wrong "Harm, wait!"

But Harm was already out the door.

Stepping into the corridor he almost mowed down a brunette Petty Officer, who immediately took evasive action. Running on adrenalin and instinct he blurted out "Come with me."

Jen nodded, not questioning, not provoking, just responding to his request, as she always had "Just let me lock up."

That done they made their way down the stairs, unwilling to wait for the lift, and Jen asked curiosly "Where are we going?"

"To see Mattie." Harm got out, finally coming back to his senses "And then to London. That is if you want to be my Yeoman?" He didn't dare to look at her, a rejections doesn't hurt as much when you don't have to look into it's eyes.

Looking up at this man who had done so much for her, the only one to believe in her since her mother had died, Jen couldn't understand why she'd wanted to go with LtCol MacKenzie, a woman she had never been close to, nor gotten along better with than was strictly necessary. Jen didn't know then why she hadn't asked to go with Harm instead, she couldn't understand her own actions and decisions of the past few weeks, it was as if another person had been in her body controlling it and saying those things instead of her. But now she was back and there was only one answer she could give.

"Okay."

Harm's exhale of relief was audible, but Jen refrained from pointing that out. Deep down she knew she'd finally made the right decision, but now the only downside of the entire thing was to follow: telling Mattie they would both be leaving, right when the young girl needed them the most. Life really sucks sometimes. Perhaps Harm could get emergency custody and take Mattie with him... As she got into Harm's Corvette Jen made a mental note to suggest that to him.

The door of the building burst open and a breathless Mac stumbled out, having finally realized what was happening.

"Harm, stop!" she cried out, but could only watch helplessly as Harm maneuvered the Vette out of the parking lot and out of her life forever. Right then rain began to fall, soaking her within seconds, fitting her mood and reminding her of a night 4 years ago when she'd stood in this exact as rain was falling, all because she had played games with high stakes and lost. When would she learn not to play games with people, with their minds and their hearts?

She shouldn't have started it, shouldn't have pursued him, forced him into cracking, if she wasn't capable of going the distance herself, only doing a half-assed job.

At the expense of losing for good the best man she had ever met Mac finally learned the lesson life had been trying to teach her for years: if you're not willing or capable of going the distance, don't even bother trying.

THE END

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